Entry 7: Why do we have to forgive?
Do you ever get in one of those moods where you just want to tell everyone “fuck off”? I really wish that phrase were respectful, because man, I would do anything to be able to say it more often and not get in trouble for it. There are some days where I just feel like everything is going poorly and everyone is pissing me off. Usually this stems from work or the current administration. For example, today I was in a bad mood after work, and then I went grocery shopping and there was a guy listening to his music full blast out loud in the store. FOR WHY?? WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS ENTIRE ALDI SUFFER FROM YOUR MUSIC TASTE?? (Truthfully, the songs weren’t bad, I was just irritated.) It’s little moments like that where it truly isn’t a big deal, but your emotions are just so heightened.
It was so frustrating to me that this person felt such a sense of entitlement that he didn’t care about anyone else in the store. Is that dramatic? Of course. But in my opinion, if someone is willing to do something, big or small, that directly impacts someone else and they don’t care about how the other person may feel, that’s shitty. Not returning your grocery cart so the employee has to go out of their way to grab it because you couldn’t take the five seconds to put it back. Having an incredibly loud engine and speeding down the street at 10 PM on a Tuesday without a care in the world about how much noise you’re making. Skipping people in lines, not saying thank you to service staff — the list truly goes on. It’s little moments like that that are so telling to me about who you truly are as a person. Being a good person isn’t only about how you treat people to their face. It’s also about the little things where you take that extra step just to be good. In my opinion, it’s not even an extra step, it’s just human decency.
It always surprises me how people aren’t constantly thinking about others. I don’t mean in a way where you’re concerned about their opinions or how they view you. I mean considering other people’s thoughts, concerns, feelings, and how your actions may impact them. It must be very peaceful in your mind to not think about anyone but yourself. There are many times where I wish I could turn my brain off and not think about it, but it’s hard. I don’t want to make the Uber wait any longer than necessary because I don’t want to waste their time (or mine, and I want to keep my high rating). I always feel bad standing at the front of crowds and potentially blocking the view of the person behind me. I don’t want to ask for a favor because I don’t want to burden someone. I prioritize other people’s convenience, even if that means I might be making things harder on myself.
Are there times where it’s not that serious? For sure. But going back to my earlier point, it doesn’t matter how big or small it is, it’s important to always consider others. I don’t think that other people’s opinions or feelings should overrule your life, but they should always be taken into consideration. Your intention might not have been to hurt or upset someone, but if that’s what happened, then you need to take accountability. One thing I have always struggled with is forgiving. My memory is truly insane. I am blessed and cursed with never being able to forget. There are times where it’s helpful, times where it’s useless, and times where it makes it really hard to move on from something.
In high school, there was this girl who I was kind of friends with. There were times she annoyed me, but overall we had a decent, surface-level friendship. Then one day she said a comment to me that I still constantly think about 11 years later. I don’t entirely remember the context of the conversation, but she said to me in front of a group of people, “Yeah, and then we have Courtney, who is 6’0 and 200 pounds.” I stood there embarrassed, shocked, and not knowing what to say. I just laughed it off and went on with my day, but it truly upset me. At that time, I was very self‑conscious about my height and body, and the idea of being 200 pounds felt like I would be the next contestant on My 600‑lb Life. Was I 6’0 or 200 pounds? No (I’m 5’11 and will never say my true weight). But as a 15‑year‑old girl, you start to spiral and think, “Oh my god, do people really view me like this?” I’m not going to go into body positivity in this post because that deserves its own entry. But the point I’m trying to make is that although it seemed like a random (and shitty) comment that she probably didn’t even register as hurtful, I still remember it 11 years later. That will always be my first memory of this person. It seemed small, but in the grand scheme, it’s had an everlasting impact.
You can think that something you’re doing isn’t a big deal, but you really have no idea. I never said anything to this person because truthfully, I don’t see the point. We haven’t spoken in probably eight or nine years. Did I forgive? Kind of. Did I forget? Absolutely not. It’s hard to forgive someone when you remember all the mean things they did. This might be controversial, but I don’t think everyone automatically deserves forgiveness. Why should I forgive you just because you apologized? How are you supposed to wipe your memory of wounds that haven’t healed for years? How are you supposed to just be okay with what happened? Personally, I think it’s okay to not forgive someone.
I don’t consider forgiving someone for their poor behavior the same as moving on. I do think it’s important to move on from situations that upset you and not dwell on them. But I don’t think that has to equate to forgiving someone. I think over time you that negative memory doesn’t impact you the way it once did. Do you need to have a formal conversation and tell them you forgive them? No. In my example, why would I need to forgive them? They could come to me tomorrow and apologize, but that wouldn’t mean I’d forget what they said and instantly forgive them. They would only be apologizing because they read this post. What’s the value in accepting a phony apology? I think a lot of people apologize because they realize they got caught and upset someone, and they didn’t actually take the time to reflect on their actions and how they might have hurt someone. I’m probably guilty of doing that exact thing. But I do know that I’ve thought a lot about how I’ve handled myself in situations, and if I didn’t like it, I apologized to the person instantly. Why did I apologize if they didn’t say they were upset? Because I felt like my actions could have negatively impacted them, and I wanted to fix it and tell them that I realized I did something wrong. That is a lot more meaningful to me than waiting for a text saying you did indeed upset them. Although I think you don’t have to forgive people, I do see the benefits and arguments as to why you should. It’s truly a case‑by‑case scenario and depends on what works best for you.
What’s the overall takeaway from this entry? Don’t be a shitty person. Return your grocery cart, wear headphones if you want to listen to music, don’t make comments about other people’s bodies, and always consider others. We as humans owe each other basic common decency. Nobody is so superior in their wants that they get to say, “Fuck it, I’m going to do what I want and I don’t care how this may impact the people around me.” Everything you do has a consequence of some kind. Whether it’s good or bad, you have to accept it.
Sincerely,
Courtney